I'm a fan of massively multiplayer online role-playing games and, honestly, I've played a lot of them. From text-based MUDs to Ultima Online to EverQuest to World of Warcraft to... well, you get the idea. And I've found most of the MMORPG's I've played fun, interesting, and basically good.

But not Hello Kitty Online. I recently received, completely unexpectedly mind you, a beta invite to the Hello Kitty MMORPG. I don't know why it showed up in my email, except possibly that the Universe or God does indeed have a twisted sense of humour.

So, (as if the concept of a forty year-old balding guy like me playing Hello Kitty Online isn't disturbing enough for this plane of reality to handle), I decided to give the game a go. Why not? I thought it'd be nice to take a break from all the violence most online games have today - for example, in World of Warcraft you can play as a Priest and cast the magic spell Mind Control on other gamers, making them jump off high cliffs to their virtual death. That sort of grimness that's prevalent in most online games today.

So I downloaded the Hello Kitty beta game client and created an account and logged into the game. And my first impression was... whoa! There's so much swearing and smack-talking and violence in the game!

My avatar was in a big room with a whole bunch of other gamers; their various characters were kittens and fairies and that sort of frilly crap. You'd think such a scenario would be very peaceful, but when I logged in there was a full Player vs. Player battle taking place.

I learned later the whole battle was actually a faction misunderstanding between two of the prominant Hello Kitty guilds, the Deth2AllLifer's and the HeilMeinKitty clan. I don't know what the developers of the game were thinking when they put guns and knives into the game, because all those Hello Kitty Online gamers were stabbing and shooting and cursing at each other.

Yes, cursing. There's full audio voice chat in the game, and from what I could tell, all the other Hello Kitty Online gamers were young girls. You'd think such a crowd would be all nicey-nice, but no, not this crowd. Here's some of the wholesome pre-adolescent banter I managed to hear in all the screaming and shouting:

"You stole my +5 Teddy Bear! I'll stab you in the neck, bitch!"

"Oh no you won't, you whore! I know where you live!"

"My Daddy has a gun and will shoot you all!"

"F--- you and your whole f----ing family! I'm 12 years old and I rule this guild!"

"I'll pwn you in real life, slut!"

"Stop rez-killing my avatar, you b---- c--- kn-------"

"Ahahaha kill them all! Kill them ALL! Worship the Dark Lord!!"

I was completely taken aback. I've never heard such language from children, especially from supposedly innocent young girls! I didn't want to say anything over the microphone either, but a couple of gamers nearby started challenging me to speak, so I had to reveal my gender and age. And, boy howdy, did things ever go downhill from there:

Me: "Uh... hi. I'm, uh, SlackerDan. Can you hear me over all this fighting and screaming?"

Hello Kitty Gamer One: "Hey! You're not a girl! You're a boy!"

Me: "Yes, uh, I'm just here to review this game and - hey, stop stabbing me!"

Hello Kitty Gamer Two: "GET HIM! KILL HIM!!! MEN BAD!"

Hello Kitty Gamer Three: "MEN BAD! KILL! KILL! KILL!"

All The Other Hello Kitty Gamers: "KILL HIM! TRACE HIS ISP! FIND OUT HIS HOME ADDRESS!!"

Me: "AHHH, GOD! STOP IT I'M SORRY! Look, my character is dead now OH MY GOD you just decapitated my avatar!"

And then all those young girl gamers, controlling their Hello Kitty Online characters, danced around in that virtual world chanting horrible... things while carrying my avatar's head around in a circle, a circle around a pentacle drawn in virtual blood...

At about that point I logged off the game, or fainted from shock, maybe both, I don't know which really. All I know is that now I live in fear of hearing the sound of tiny furious knocks at my apartment door, made by little angry fists, that all those Hello Kitty Online gamers did find my home address by tracing my internet IP address. I mean, some of them have to be hackers, not just leet PvP'ers and virtual Satan worshippers.

I think I'm going to stop playing massively multiplayer games for awhile. If I can't survive in Hello Kitty Online, why even bother playing any game, ever again.

-- SlackerDan

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