Yes, I said it. The Internet makes me regret owning a penis. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not ashamed of being a man (hell, ALL-MAN) 99% of the time. But when I see yet another overly amorous moron flogging his personal member on the personals section of, oh let’s say, craigslist, another bit of the self-respect and joy in being male dies within my testosterone-laden soul.

(And before you ask or insinuate, no, I don’t browse the men’s sections on dating websites… but guys constantly post pictures of their schlongs in any and all message boards they possibly can, or they post a message giving no clue to their gender in the subject line until a horrible jpeg scrolls up your screen and makes your room-mate wonder about you.)

                                        
                                    An example of a horrible jpeg.

I’m embarrassed, nay, outright mortified for every lonely guy out there driven to such desperate lengths (uhm, so to speak). My own willy crawls a bit further inside my loins, as if I were swimming the coldest river, when I see yet another penis picture crawl up my monitor like a snake being caught up in The Rapture.

These experiences are always particularly painful for me because I’m a half-way decent photographer. Most of the guys taking pictures of their, uh, “man”-hood simply do not have adequate photographic skills. Either their picture is of them halfway across the room so their schwanz looks like a shriveled anemic shrimp, or the naked self-photo hound clicks the shutter so damn close to his family jewels that everyone’s monitor is filled with PENIS.

What is the PSYCHOLOGY here, men? Yes, horny women exist. Apparently never in my vicinity, but they do exist. And women (sometimes I’ve been told) actually do enjoy looking at a penis or two. Or seven. Or even forty-three, depending on their own particular sexuality and if they are my ex-wife or not.

But the horniest of women want a little SUBSTANCE to a one-nighter, not just a guy jumping on ‘em and slamming in his notorious Internet penis. Yes, many times women just want to f*ck…but they want a damn good f*ck, not a lousy one, certainly not a desperation screw!

And when you guys post pictures of your beef tamales, it’s just showing your hideous desperation to the world. There’s nothing wrong with being desperate for sex…for God’s sakes that’s my ENTIRE LIFE…but have a little CLASS.

Yes, CLASS. As in CULTURE. DIGNITY. As in, acting “Cool”. Like ‘The Fonz’ would say, “AAAYYY!” with a thumbs-up, a gaggle of hot babes constantly surrounding him. You never saw Arthur Fonzarelli waving his blue veined custard chucker around on “Happy Days”, DID YOU?

Okay, maybe a television show is a bad analogy. But, penii-posting men of the Internet, put on some pants and have a look at Real Life™ surrounding you. Do obviously desperate men get laid often? NO! Not unless they pay for sex, and really, you can do that already without inflicting us innocent souls on craigslist with snaps of your dipstick!

I’ve heard many stories of couples meeting and falling in love on the Internet. I’ve NEVER heard a woman say, “Oh, when I first saw Bill, it was a picture of his erect penis and I knew at that moment I’d be with him…forever.” Not ONCE!

Oh, but you’re not looking for a long-term relationship, are you, Free Willy? It is your hope, nay, your DREAM that women everywhere will immediately be smitten with the overpowering urge to have sex with you once they see the jpeg of your j-bar.

IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

WHEN YOU DIE AND YOU ARE STANDING BEFORE GOD AND HE ASKS YOU WHAT YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR LIFE, ALL YOU NEED TO SAY IS THAT YOU LEARNED SEX DOES NOT OCCURR WHEN YOU POST PICTURES OF YOUR WANG-DANG-DOODLE ON THE INTERNET.

GOD WILL SMILE AND YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN.

                              
                      You're in Heaven! Thank God you're wearing pants for once.

I like to think, as an intelligent, decent male, I have a little insight into the Female mind. Lord knows I’ve had enough women who just want to be “friends” jabber on and on at me incessantly about their lives, problems, shopping lists, bad childhood, education, job experiences, philosophy, life, death, flying squirrels, cocktail wieners, plastic buckets, fear of bats, window panes, wind-shield wiper fluid, romance novels, how sticky price tags are when trying to remove them, labels saying “sanitized for your protection”, fur-bearing Arctic tarantulas, what shapes the clouds made on Tuesday, salivating St. Bernards, etc, etc, oh-dear-God-please-stop-talking-ETC. I’ve PAID the dues required to gain solid, useful wisdom about the confusing beauty found inside a woman’s shapely skull. So HEED THE INTERNET SLACKER’S ADVICE, desperate guys, or you will continue to make a mockery of your genitals and dignity while making everyone else on the Internet horribly uncomfortable whenever your woopy stick presents itself to them in full 1024 x 768 resolution or higher:

If.
You.
Want.
To.
Meet.
A.
Woman.

Still with me?

DO.
NOT.
POST.
PICTURES.
OF.
YOUR.
MEAT.
MISSILE.

Why? WHY?!?!? Because it just turns 99.9% of women OFF, and that remaining 0.1% ain’t on the ‘Net but more likely huffing crack in an alley, and you don’t want to have sex with a woman who’s addicted to crack, because she’ll steal your computer to sell for MORE crack. But that’s neither here nor there…no, wait a minute. Please, all you men who post pics of your spam daggers on personals websites, PLEASE start getting it on with crack addicts. At least when your computers get ripped off, more women on the Internet will have a little more peace of mind.

And like I said, I’m single. Any women interested in my penis, you have to get to know me first, and MAYBE then you can see my massive “Tiki God of Flesh”. But until then…NO PICTURES.

                               
              Women, here's a complimentary picture you can send in your email replies to men who post pics of their "Trouser Mauseurs" in ads, or have felt the horrible urge to send you such. That'll get you the dates, and how!